He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
