i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
