do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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