You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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