I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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