I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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