Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Randomize
