So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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