I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
smell my finger.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
