i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
