then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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