Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
