I think I won the penis lottery.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
