New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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