ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
