sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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