I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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