who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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