either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Text me some of your sweat
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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