im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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