My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
operation harelip BJ is a go
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
