My liver just broke up with me...
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
