I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Randomize
