I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize