just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
