I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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