I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
