Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
