I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
