dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
How's work?
Spinning.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
