oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You need Xanax blowdarts
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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