just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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