I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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