she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
