Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
