to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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