Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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