Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
