No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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