guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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