I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
