I accidentally had phone sex last night
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize