he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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