When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
