So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
