see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
