I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i drank out of a bidet.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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