Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
That's how pantless uber rides happen
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
