one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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