I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
