At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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