guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
