as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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