With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
