Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
