the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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