I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
