I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
