your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Still dying that you shit outside
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
