apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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