We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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