Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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